How to bounce back from failure?

Ah! Failure. It hurts, doesn't it? I know what I'm talking about, I just saw the project that was closest to my heart go up in smoke: that of starting psychology studies. My file was refused by the college. Ouch, it really hurts, I confirm. "I suck", "I should have done otherwise", "My family is right, I don't build anything", "Anyway, I miss everything I do", that's pretty much what I repeated myself in loop, in my head, the first two days which followed the announcement.

Whether it's sentiment, professional, family or school - like me - failure is always difficult to take. Loss of self-confidence, shame, discouragement, sadness, anger, loss of confidence in life, in others, etc... failure weighs us down and makes us question everything. But, fortunately, it's temporary, and if we move our buttocks a little, it can even be beneficial for our new projects. Bouncing back after a failure requires a few steps to follow, today I'm explaining what it consists of.

1st step

Accept failure

The most important thing is not to deny the failure and not to run away (in trips, outings, or, for example, on a chain of relationships, when it's a failure in love) to think about something else. You have to let your emotions come and live whatever they are, tell yourself that the adventure is over and then give yourself time to digest the news. To flee is to deny the wound rather than to heal it and it will come back sooner or later, know that.

Personally, I had to mourn these studies (because, given my canonical age, I do not intend to try again next year) that I had dreamed of doing for almost 10 years. It was hard, I felt disappointment, anger, sadness, but that's the way it is, I mustn't hide my face, healing will come later.

Accepting failure means not seeing the problem reappear in a few years.

2nd stage

Analyze failure

After disappointment comes questioning. You have to think about why. How did this failure happen? “Was the goal too high? "Have I really done everything?" "Did I really want to?" »

Whether it's caused by our decisions, an external event or a mixture of both, taking stock of what happened and how it happened allows us to learn lessons to improve.

For my part, it is clearly my file which was not good enough, my age which served me, the marks of my baccalaureate, almost 20 years old, and, surely, my cover letter which should not not be focused enough. There is also the functioning of Parcoursup, the State in general, the rating system etc... In short, my file was not adapted to their requirements.

Analyzing your failure also means realizing that you can't control everything.

3rd stage

Take responsibility

Even if we may be tempted to put the blame on others, there is necessarily a (large) share of responsibility that lies with us. Asking the opinion of loved ones, or colleagues when it's professional, allows you to note what you have done wrong and then move in the right direction.

I will admit that after telling myself that I was the last of the dummies, I railed well against the system which favors impersonal files and candidates coming out of high school, rather than really motivated people. But, in reality, was I really that motivated? I especially wanted to do the first year and I told myself that I would see for the rest. Was this reflected in my cover letter? Did I have overconfidence? Most likely. It's up to me not to make the same mistakes again for my future projects.

Assuming responsibility means not putting all the blame on others and wondering where we messed up to do better next time.

4th stage

Regain self-confidence

As we have said, experiencing a failure does a hell of a blow to your self-esteem. Yet we are not what we have but what we are. Breaking up, failing your studies, screwing up a competition, this is not what defines us, but just a stage in our life. A step that we missed, of course, but at least we took the risk, we can be proud of ourselves.

To regain self-confidence, it is good to take stock of one's strengths, qualities, past successes, and to surround oneself with good people who will not deny our failure but rather encourage us to continue in a different.

Setting small goals also allows you to feel proud of yourself again: rearrange your apartment, go on a trip, start a new sport, etc.

I quickly recovered thanks, in particular, to all the messages I received from relatives and lesser relatives reassuring me that I was made for this branch, but not necessarily for this project precisely. . I'm not zero, maybe it just wasn't the studies I needed.

Regaining self-confidence means remembering all our qualities and continuing to move forward.

5th stage

Find new solutions

Obviously, this project was not made for us at this time in our lives. Whether it's love, school, work or family, that doesn't mean that we should stop trying, however, to be in love, to work, to study or to have relationships that we like, it means it has to be done differently. "What do I need to change to make it work next time?" is the most important question to ask.

“Did I choose the right voice? Shouldn't I have done a less long training that would have motivated me more (and it would have been seen in my file)? Should I put all my energy into it? Or, on the contrary, that it does not encroach too much on my private life which is more important than anything? These are all the questions I have been asking myself for a few days.

Finding new solutions does not mean abandoning a project if it is still close to our hearts, but rather adapting it to our abilities.

6th step

Set a new goal

After having digested, analyzed and assumed the failure, then regained self-confidence and found new solutions, it is time to define a new objective. This failure will have allowed us to see more clearly, to adjust our desires and our capacities and to start again towards a new project surely more in line with what we really want, and can.

Personally, I decided to squeeze the long studies that tired me in advance and that I was, in any case, not sure to finish. The failure will have made me understand that this system does not suit me, I am not academic enough for that. However, it will also have confirmed to me that I, more than anything, want to exercise a profession of listening and helping. After reflection, I decided to direct myself towards a formation of therapist. This failure made me understand that I wanted above all to have the recognition of the studies because I did not yet believe in myself enough to be sure of being validated without all this baggage. But recognition, even if it reassures, is not necessarily what would have made me a good psychologist, nor even helped to complete this long and difficult course (especially at my age). Admittedly, it won't be the same job, I won't have as much knowledge, but the satisfaction of helping my neighbor will probably be at the same level.

Setting new goals means realizing that you are able to move forward despite everything.

Remember: failure is not an end, but a step towards success.